Do you know the difference between passive, aggressive, and assertive behavior?
Many of the questions and comments I receive from women are around understanding the difference between passive, aggressive, and assertive behavior.
Often when women try to be assertive, they can be accused of being aggressive, when the same behavior in a man would be looked upon as strong and decisive.
It’s also possible that we keep our feelings bottled up inside (passive) for too long and then when we express them, we accidentally end up being aggressive!
Read on to understand the difference between passive, assertive vs aggressive behaviors.
Let’s dive right in!
Passive
Someone who is passive tends to avoid conflict and will agree with others despite how he or she feels.
They may isolate themselves from groups and, when in a group, may appear withdrawn.
They may avoid eye contact and speak softly without much inflection. They are often afraid to speak up and will overuse apologies, even for things that are not their fault.
There may be many reasons for this behavior.
It could be that they are angry and afraid to express it, or maybe they are simply having a difficult day!
Aggressive
A person who is behaving aggressively may dominate a group, or use humiliation or attacks to gain control.
They often criticize others and can be intimidating with both body language and voice.
They may speak loudly, interrupting or talking over others. They may insult other’s opinions and glare rather than making appropriate eye contact. Aggressive behavior often also includes blaming others for mistakes.
Assertive
A person who is behaving assertively will be both respectful and clear when disagreeing with others.
They are honest, fair, and direct and will match their body language to the expression of their message. Assertive people make good eye contact and allow open participation in groups.
Instead of talking over, assertive people will use a conversational tone while still expressing their opinion. While they are good at setting boundaries, people exhibiting assertiveness will also respect those around them.
What Is the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive?
The difference between being assertive and aggressive often lies in how thoughts and feelings are expressed. Here are the key distinctions:
Communication Style
Assertive: Clear, direct, and honest communication of one’s needs, wants, and feelings without violating the rights of others. It involves expressing oneself in a respectful and confident manner.
Aggressive: Forceful, hostile, or demanding communication. It often involves violating or ignoring the rights and feelings of others, and can be characterized by yelling, intimidation, or bullying.
Intent and Impact
Assertive: Aims to achieve a fair outcome, respecting both one’s own rights and those of others. The impact is usually positive, fostering mutual respect and understanding.
Aggressive: Often seeks to dominate or win, without regard for others’ opinions or feelings. The impact can be negative, leading to resentment or fear in others.
Body Language and Tone
Assertive: Open and confident body language; steady, clear voice tone.
Aggressive: Possibly invasive or dominating body language; a tone that might be loud, harsh, or overbearing.
Emotional Regulation
Assertive: Usually involves a calm and controlled expression of emotions.
Aggressive: Often associated with expressions of anger, frustration, or impatience, sometimes escalating to outbursts.
Effect on Relationships:
Assertive: Tends to strengthen relationships through clear and respectful communication.
Aggressive: Often harms relationships, causing others to become defensive or intimidated.
Self-Expression
Assertive: Reflects self-respect and respect for others; acknowledges that all parties have valid needs and perspectives.
Aggressive: Prioritizes one’s own needs and perspectives, often at the expense of others’.
Understanding these differences is crucial in personal and professional interactions. Being assertive is generally seen as a healthy way to communicate, whereas being aggressive is often counterproductive and can damage relationships.
Assertive vs. Aggressive Communication Style
Assertive and aggressive communication styles are distinct in several ways, impacting both the way messages are conveyed and how they are received by others. Understanding these differences is key to effective and respectful interaction.
Tone and Approach
Assertive: Characterized by a calm and confident tone. It is respectful and direct, aiming to express one’s views clearly without offending or belittling others.
Aggressive: Often loud, harsh, or overbearing. This style can come across as hostile or confrontational, disregarding others’ views or feelings.
Content of Communication
Assertive: Focuses on expressing one’s own needs, feelings, and opinions honestly and clearly, while also considering the perspective of others.
Aggressive: Tends to attack or dominate the conversation, often focusing on blaming others and not taking responsibility for one’s own actions.
Body Language
Assertive: Features open, relaxed yet confident body language. Maintains appropriate eye contact and a composed demeanor.
Aggressive: May include invading personal space, pointing fingers, or other intimidating gestures. Eye contact can be glaring or overly dominant.
Listening Skills
Assertive: Involves active listening and acknowledgment of others’ perspectives, fostering a two-way, respectful dialogue.
Aggressive: Often interrupts or dismisses others, showing little interest in understanding their viewpoints.
Impact on Relationships
Assertive: Builds trust and mutual respect, helping to foster healthy, constructive relationships.
Aggressive: Can damage relationships, leading to resentment, fear, or avoidance from others.
Goal Orientation
Assertive: Seeks a win-win situation where all parties’ needs are considered and addressed.
Aggressive: Often aims to win or assert dominance, regardless of others’ needs or feelings.
In summary, assertive communication is about being respectful and clear in expressing oneself, balancing one’s own needs with those of others.
In contrast, aggressive communication often disregards others’ feelings and rights, aiming to dominate or control the conversation.
Adopting an assertive communication style is generally more effective and conducive to healthy personal and professional relationships.
Get your Passive vs Assertive vs Aggressive Chart
To help you understand the difference between these three behaviors I’ve created a free chart to print and hang in your office or to carry with you for the next time you’re accused, or confused.
Download your chart here!